


you want me to keep a pet snake ?

by Hazazel



Series: paper tigers (Sportsfest: Team 29 Balls to the Face Main Round 2 Entry) [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Crack, Gen, it is what it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25800778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazazel/pseuds/Hazazel
Summary: A thought slithers into Tetsurou’s brain, that snake looks pretty, and that’s how he knows he’s doomed. Utterly and completely doomed.-snake babysitting can go awfully wrong, as kuroo is just about to discover
Relationships: Daishou Suguru & Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: paper tigers (Sportsfest: Team 29 Balls to the Face Main Round 2 Entry) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1871071
Kudos: 11
Collections: SportsFest 2020 Main Round 2





	you want me to keep a pet snake ?

**Author's Note:**

> *softly whispers* SASO MR2  
> i'm so incredibly happy to have participated in SASO this year, i'm having so so so much fun !!!!!

A thought slithers into Tetsurou’s brain,  _ that snake looks pretty _ , and that’s how he knows he’s doomed. Utterly and completely doomed.

“You want me to do what ?” he asks out loud, instead of the polite answer he was probably supposed to give. “You want me to keep a pet snake ? I have, like, at least two cats. And a guinea pig. And I’m looking for birds and-”

“That’s why you’ll be perfect for the job ! You’re a friend of the flora, my dude. C’mon,” Tanaka says, putting an unwelcome arm over Tetsurou’s shoulders. Tetsurou resists the urge to say that it’s not flora, but fauna. “You’ll just babysit him for a few weeks-”

“A few  _ weeks  _ ?”

“-and then it’ll be done, out of your life like it never even happened.” Tanaka makes what he thinks are puppy eyes (they look disturbingly like a shark trying to squint), and Tetsurou sighs in defeat. Resistance is futile, as they say.

“Fine, dude, but that’s the last time you’re involving me into shit like that !”

“Promise !” 

In all honesty, Tetsurou doesn’t dare hope to get rid of Tanaka, nor does he hope the promise will be fulfilled. They work together in the Japanese customs and the shit they see - and do - is insane. Not later than last week, they had to call the cops because of a hefty bag of what Tanaka, after tasting it, declared was powdered cocaine. “Why the fuck did you taste the weird white powder !” Tetsurou had yelled. “And how the fuck do you know what cocaine tastes like ?” Tanaka had winked, and Tetsurou had to let it go. It’s often better not to ask.

This time though - someone was smuggling a giant snake, and whatever his colleague is doing means Tetsurou is now probably an accomplice to some shady re-selling gig.

As he loads his car with the tank, the snake inside blissfully asleep, Tetsurou wonders what he’s done to deserve this. He’s been diligent about not letting people get away with their illegal business, he’s refrained Tanaka’s hotheadedness for actual  _ years _ , and he’s been a happy father to animals of all sorts. Never a snake, though, because they look slimy and gross and he’s afraid of live mice. Gods, he’s gonna have to buy some for the snake, isn’t he… the thought plagues him all through the trip to his apartment. 

Once he’s home, and the smuggling of the tank past the concierge has gone smoothly, Tetsurou finds himself surrounded by five cats (gods, he has five now ?) who paw lightly at the glass walls of the tank. The snake is still sleeping, and doesn’t wake up even after Hinami’s insistent meowing. After a while, the cats lose interest in the new member of the household and Tetsurou is left staring at it all alone, hoping against all hope that live mice aren’t a requirement. Maybe frozen will do ? 

That actually sounds even worse…

When comes the time to feed it, Tetsurou, armed with patience and a frozen mouse on a stick, takes off the cover of the tank. “What happens next will shock you !” advertising never got quite close enough of what it truly is like to be shocked, because the surprise Tetsurou feels as the snake unfurls and darts out of the tank at the speed of light puts any dermatologist-approved trick to shame.

“What the hell ?” he screams - a distinctly, adult-y masculine scream, he is not a little kid - as a chorus of loud meows echo down the hallway. Mouse-stick still in hand, Tetsurou slowly creeps down the corridor, trying to guess where the snake might have gone. The bedroom is clear, as is the bathroom, which means…

Tetsurou walks to the kitchen, and is in for the second biggest surprise of his life. Or, well, this might actually be the biggest. Where a snake is supposed to be stands a man with greenish hair, an uneasy smirk on his face, and his hands covering his nether region quite hopelessly.

“You’re not Ryuunosuke and we’re not in a cave,” not-a-snake states. “Who, and I insist, the hell, are you ?”

“I could ask you the same question !” Tetsurou is going to pop a vein. He’s going to have an aneurism. “You’re a snake shifter ! Why didn’t Tanaka tell me and why is he in a cave ! I was about to feed you this mouse !” As he looks at the stick, Tetsurou notices the mouse is gone. Feral cat noises rise up from the corridor, where five house cats are probably having the time of their life.   
“I’m just supposed to be here as a snake until my visa gets approved, chill, dude. Though I was expecting to be at Saeko’s place, that was the original plan. Maybe she chickened out because she’s afraid of reptiles,” Snake-person muses. He is now using the oven mitts as a cover-up. Tetsurou makes a mental note to throw them away as soon as possible.

“This is snake-talk. You’re a… a… I don’t even know !”

“Dude. I can just go back to being a snake for a few days-”

“Tanaka said weeks !”

“-and it’ll be fine. Unless you’re a wuss and mice scare you,” the snake adds with a slightly more confident smirk.

“You know what ?” Tetsurou is done. Out-of-this-world done. “Yeah, yeah they do. I’m not a zookeeper or some crap like that.”

“I’ll just stay human, geeze, calm your flaming-hot pants. Name’s Daishou Suguru. You better remember it, I’m not repeating.”

“Huh,” is all Tetsurou can answer. “Huh.”

“Eloquent,” Daishou snarks, and he turns round -  _ woah, he has a flat ass _ , Tetsurou thinks - probably to get some clothes from Tetsurou’s drawer. He can hear Daishou rummaging through his clothes, scalding commentary and all, before he’s back a few minutes later, dressed in volleyball shorts and a hoodie way too big for him. Tetsurou has the fleeting thought that Daishou looks better like this, lopsided grin and drawfed features, before he shakes his head and tries to remember that Tanaka is in for the scolding of his life. It’ll probably prove useless, but hey, a guy can dream.

**Author's Note:**

> lest ye forget, kudos and comments feed the writer


End file.
